Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Review and/or Abused: 90210


**SORRY** A WEE BIT LATE...

I'm not going to go in depth here. I know you know I can but this series premiere was two effing hours long and I just don't have it in me to spend a day reveling in the lameness, therefore I'm just going to dabble in the low points after the jump, kay?

Let's see where do I begin? Oh yes, let's begin with the opening. Coldplay, Viva La Vida. Qu'est-ce que ├ža? I thought that one time I heard you on a teen soap, CP, you were just like doing Josh a favor. Half-truth? Hell, it's a nice surprise but also oddly uncomfortable. Is Colp aware there is no free trade on the little network that maybe can but probably won't? Or that people tuning in also like The Chris Daughtry and Hoobastank? My little Napoleonic drummer boys...are you getting too commercial on me? Am I going to see whopper flashing like strobe light technicolor set to the chorus of Clocks in a week? Do-do-do-do-do-do do-do do-do-do-do-do do-do, whopper, whopper...Sorry my brain got stuck. It took the state of the lovely ladies of West Bev to snap me out of it. I will only say this: If Mamma Cass were alive today she'd have easily mistaken them for knitting needles thusly sparing them from their fate as a ham sandwich. Also this: Do I need to send the CW the E! True Hollywood story of Tracy Gold? God, did anyone remember that? When, in the last episode ever of Growing Pains, Tracy was supposed to eat a piece of pizza but she was too far gone in her anorexia so she would tear of little bits between takes to ensure the taste didn't enter her tongue? No? Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me. It scared the shit out of every chunky high schooler in America!

Waifness aside, other surreally disturbing things caught my eye. Like the fact that the supposed jock with the sensitive heart got a blow job from someone who wasn't his bitchy girlfriend in the first oh, fifteen minutes of the show. Or the fact that said bitchy girlfriend was parading around in the sporty Chanel bag used by Madonna and other uber celebrities back in 2004. It's 2008 sweetie and even reality stars like Audrina Partride fake live with CC bags so it's time to find a more unobtainable designer. Goyard perhaps? Also, it's preferable that you choose a style that wasn't offered when Lohan was a heterosexual size six. If this show is going to survive on clothes and a soundtrack at least get those elements right. Right? Oh and one more tiny insignificant thing. Chanel is meant to be worn sporadically in one's ensemble. Do NOT go matchy matchy in the pearl Chanel earrings AND the long pearl Chanel necklace. We don't want to be confused for Euro, ok.

Back to the jockstrap with a heart of gold. How is this going to work here. So because the man feels deeply sad inside about letting some unassuming freshman blow him in his Yukon while his gf forwent a hair straightener we hope and pray and wish upon Edward Cullen that he eventually gets with Annie, the Kansas bred singing sensation that will melt our heart with her anorexia deteriorated ergo cosmetically repaired smile that is too white and too big because her face is too pulled because of said anorexia? In a word, no. Because that would be sending the wrong message to our young. The devil is in the details my friends.

And I'm not understanding the point of Dixon, Annie's adopted African American brother. Why is he black again? Are we trying to be different here CW? Like, "See America, just because we canceled practically all of our African American counter-programming doesn't mean we don't LOVE black people! Dixon is black! See!! We LOVE Black people!" If it fits the story then hey man fair play, but let's be realistic. It makes no sense whatsoever that he's African American. The family is from Kansas for Heath's sake. Finding a Dixon in middle America is like finding a decent celebrity at the Republican National Convention. Are we going to have to suffer through the very special episode where Dixon gut wrenchingly hears a racial slur? Newsflash: we're past racial now, current trends favor religious persecution so it's Navid's story to lose frankly.

Also, what is with Silver, aka Erin, Kelly and David's haf-sister, and her blog. Its pretty effing lame. Is she attempting to be West Bev's Jib Jab? Or I dunno...Gossip Girl, who in my mind automatically wins in a throw-down because Kristen Bell's voice is a fierce bitch. Its so been done a thousand times already 90210, get with the program. Why can't Erin's hobby be like Future Daughters of the NRA or something equally right wing, like Junior Acheivement. She can pass out those bic pens to homeroom and talk about fiscal conservatism. Why did it have to die with Alex P. Keaton. Why?!?!

The only reason to watch this show is for Lucile Bluth. For her and to find out who Kelly's baby daddy is. And in that regard I'm banking on Dylan or that other lawyer dude who's name escapes me probably because I stopped watching when Kelly got shot in Hawaii on that vaycay with Brandon. It could be Brandon though. Let's not discount Brandon. Because while Dylan did sort of have a moment there with Kelly at Donna and David's wedding I, in my heart, know Dylan belongs to Brenda. He just does.

Anyway, I'll stop here. I could go over how all the songs chosen I'd already heard, or how Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez got the shaft but whatever. This post is past its prime.

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