Friday, March 13, 2009

MOTHER CHUCKER

Normally I'm the biggest Spoiler whore this side of the Mason Dixie line. Shamefully I am the kid who opened my presents before Christmas then re-wrapped them feigning ecstasy on Jesus Day because I couldn't fathom not knowing what I was getting from my parents. I searched for my gifts before hand in the off-chance I hated what I got and couldn't method my way out of the disgust. Off-chance? What am I talking about off-change. As per usual I hate everything that isn't specifically on a pre-approved list. What? Lying here would only make gift spontaneity more popular amongst my friends which in turn would just require more method. Man, I'm such a dick but it gets worse. When I'd see said gift which was not as requested I'd proceed to drop hints for weeks that my friend, Sally, (always Sally) got [insert my Christmas gift here] for her birthday two weeks ago and wasn't that SOOOOOOO stupid Mom followed with a chuckle, chuckle for four counts..1, 2, 3, 4... then pause for three...1.2.3....then begin with who would want that?...deep deep breath for 1,2,3,4...continue with I mean can you believe it?...over emote for 4,5,6,...sigh again at 1,2,3..crescendo with I feel sorry for her pathetic excuse for a gift..pause for two,1,2...another sigh this time with slight head tilt downward for..3,4, 5, shake head with..1,2,3...and scene. Everytime guys. Everytime. As I type this I'm well aware that God did not need to provide me a physical asshole because technically my whole being is one. One big arsehole polluting the world with my own brand of E-coli called life. Damn it Rita, perdona! I really did learn to love that bright green Liz Claiborne wallet. It was never hard to find! I can't believe at almost 29 I still can't be decent about it all. This reminds me of the time I asked for a fake Louis Vuitton for my birthday. They sold them at Macy's under the brand "Moni". Little MM's instead of LVs. Cute, no? My father, who at the time adored me because my personality hadn't completely formed yet, decided to get me the real deal, as in LV, in an effort to appease his baby girl. Like real. At 11. You know what I did? So help me God to make him pay for his mistake of not buying me "Moni" I stuffed the probably $300 (it was the 80's kids) bag with fucking rocks to make a point. Quartz kids! Needless to say my father never forgave. From then on it was Math blaster 2.0 and other educational toys. Sigh. Follow me after the jump for the full tragedy.


SO yeah, I am not averse to knowing things before hand. In fact, it makes me deal with the world better, but sometimes, just sometimes, not knowing provides a thrill I had forgotten existed. Like when I picked up the Harry Potter books 7 years too late or when Jim and Pam finally got together on The Office. The feeling of NOT knowing what the hell was going to happen made me anxiety ridden and thus became a weekly topic at my therapy sessions. In the end, though, the payoff was fantastic. So were the bills....so were the bills. And yes I did indeed talk about Jim and Pam's relationship with my therapist; she assumed it was a metaphor. I did not correct her. Anywayz... Discovering things as they happened gives me a little high that I sometimes crave. And since I hadn't felt that for awhile I was looking forward to that little precious moment of incertitude with the release of Megan McCafferty's final chapter in the Jessica Darling series, Perfect Fifths. If you read this blog then you know to which books I'm speaking of because I have shoved them into your hands and the hands of those in your respective book clubs and/or made you a homemade "You.Yes.You." t-shirt as a Christmas gift..mmmmm Marcus.(sidenote: Jen I think you have my Charmed Thirds and Fourth Comings).

The book comes out April 14th, and I was STOKED, so much so I threw up a little in my mouth everytime I thought about the endless ways the story could go. Would Jessica end up with Marcus? Did Marcus cut off the dreds prompting him to lose his Samson-like mysticism? Are they both accountants? Or worse...Ice Road truckers! Has Jessica heard of Mutemath? So many possibilities! So many questions! All to be answered on April 14th!!! Gahhh! You see, you see the tension and bliss of the unknown I felt?!?!?! However someone will die because someone RUINED THE ENDING for me. Fuck no I'm not kidding! A reviewer that shall remain nameless, partially because I forgot who, thought it cool to answer some of the questions from the comments. Is it good? Yes, amazing, blah blah blah. Did you really like it? Of course who wouldn't blah blah blah. And then...DO MARCUS AND JESSICA END UP TOGETHER? Answer: I'm not telling you BUT SHE FUDGING TOLD ME. MOTHER CHUCKER!!!!!! This is what I wrote a friend when I found out:

FUDGGGGGGGEEEEEEE....UGH!!!!

I was SPOILED. I was SPOILED!! I found out how Perfect Fifths ends accidentally. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!! I didn't want to know and my eyes grazed on a book review comment and the reviewer answered the damn question!.DAMN IT TO HELL IN A HAND-WEAVED BASKET!


AARRRRGHHHH


Note the excessive exclamation points and capital letters. That spells pissed friends. I know what you're thinking. Why did you go read reviews if you wanted that eensie little high of not knowing? Because it's a process folks. Because people just don't quit cold turkey. I was skimming to get a taste is all, smelling the bouquet to quote the most annoying overly-indulgent/descriptive writer ever. I did NOT expect said reviewer to answer the damn question. Who would answer that question?!?!? Tell me, WHO!!!? Whatever. So now I know. Granted I don't know how it unfolds or which perfect gems of dialogue/80's pop culture reference will be made this go round but I do know the bottom line. I hate that I know this. Will it deter me from picking up the book? Um...has a divorce from Lorenzo Lamas deterred the lucite beauty, Shauna Sands? No. I will still stand in line April 14th and read the book in a day in my You.Yes.You t-shirt. I will still dream that Marcus exists and is waiting to run into me at a Starbucks across the street and I will still enjoy it and push it on everyone. However I will already know the outcome. Le-Sigh. I guess in the grand scheme it could be worse. There could have been a half-vamp, half-human baby born with a full set of teeth named Marsica conceived from 107 year old sperm so....glass more than half full, yes?

2 comments:

Ximena said...

YOU KNOW THE ENDING TO THE BOOK AND YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME! What is your deal! you being all smug talking about your You.Yes.You T-Shirt being "lost" and accusing said person,me, of having stealing the shirt, and then going on and telling said tshirt maker whats going on in the story. im extremely hurt monique. Almost to the level in which Veronica chose to ignore Logans phone call while sitting with Piz in the cafeteria laughing away as Logan merely watched her from a far and was about to cry. I am logan and you are Veronica. Im a little upset right now.

and yes i did mention veronica mars scene...

Ximena said...

oh and what?! Dad got you a LV? There is no possible way.

oh and ps. This exact post is the main reason why I did not bring you back a present from steamboat.